Alyssa Brooks "Hide and Seek"

Borders had a big sale recently and lured by the okay cover and cheap price tag, I picked up Hide and Seek. I was pretty sure this one was more on the erotica side than romance but a little exploration never hurt anyone. Well, that's patently untrue, but how was I to know.

This book isn't porn for women. It's just porn. The thinnest of plot lines revolves around 'smart' Elisa being followed by her college chemistry partner, Maxim Cox, to a remote cabin in the mountains. He can't understand why he's never forgotten her and she is quite certain he's a man slut who could never stick with one woman. So to teach him a lesson she decides to only have sex with him if he follows the rules of a game she makes up as she goes.

The game wasn't interesting, the characters were stupid (she's a successful lawyer until a scandal breaks and she's given some 'time off.' She decides she should join the Peace Corp to save the rain forests.) Aspen, CO, isn't even described well enough to be enjoyed. And to top it off, I think if I hadn't skimmed so much of the book I would have detected a sneakingly anti-feminist undertone. Her 'games' all revolve around sexual dominance of Maxim. But she's only truly satisfied when he takes over.

In the final scene he proposes marriage by letting it slip that he'll be disinherited if he doesn't marry in two weeks. When Elisa finds his protestations of love hard to believe, he throws her over his shoulder, fights her clothes off of her and ties her up with his belt while she's yelling "I'm not playing Maxim, get off me." She, of course, is turned on be being tied up, something Maxim knew would be true (more evidence that they are meant for each other, he's so tuned into her secret desires!). Finally he convinces her that they are perfect together by pointing out that he could have bought her a bigger ring but he bought a small diamond and donated the money to the Peace Corps in her name. And as recompense for not allowing her to save the rain forests, he gives her a foundation to help poor kids in Egypt (where his family business is). Once she understands how sweet he really is, she decides she can teach Egyptian kids ABOUT saving the rain forests.

Sorry for the spoilers, because really I've recounted pretty much the entire plot here. But if you're gonna read this book, it's not going to be for the character development and plot line. Now as far as porn goes, I've seen worse.

Porn 2007: 0 of 5 naked in the snow scenes.

Catherine Coulter 'Wizard's Daughter'

This is where my lack of an English degree will show. Well, maybe it always shows in this blog, but this is when I'm aware of it as well. Rosalind was adopted as a girl by an English family after being found nearly beaten to death. Nicholas has dreamt of her all his life and when he comes to London to find her he knows he must protect her, and the easiest way to do that is to marry her. They fall in love, marry, and begin to try to solve the mystery of The Pale and their joint history of wizardry.

Nothing in the set up prevents this from being a good book. Even the characters are decently drawn, EXCEPT for their dialog. The disconcerting effect of the strange sounding dialog is strongest with hundreds of pages of exposure but here's a little sample: Rosalind says, "I agree, the Wyverly heiress wasn't the magic one, it was this ship captain, Jared Vail, he was magic and you know it, else he couldn't have built this magnificent house that must whisper of secrets and ancient magic rattling about behind it's walls. You also know it because you carry your grandfather's blood and his teachings,..." I wish I knew exactly what drives me insane about how the characters talk, the short choppy sentences, rambling on just to reveal plot details, passive voice? UGH!

I had this exact reaction to a Coulter book about ten years ago and swore never to read her again, but I thought for the purposes of this blog I would give her another chance. If you like Catherine Coulter, great, if you haven't read her before, in my humble opinion, don't bother.

Historical Paranormal Romance 2008: 0 of 5 pale wizards.

Cheryl Holt 'Secret Fantasy'

My Secret Fantasy is to never read a book this bad again. Margaret is the sweet orphaned heroine who lives with her evil Aunt and her horrid daughter. "Margaret had spent her entire life caught between them as they fought like cats trapped in a sack." I wasn't surprised to find Margaret sneaking out of the estate house to teach the local children in an abandoned crofters hut, but I guess I was surprised when our hero allows the evil Aunt to fondle his privates in her boudoir while Margaret spies through the keyhole. That should have been my first clue.

I can't even decide which disgusting, ridiculous plot twist to complain about next. Evil Aunt has, of course, stolen Margaret's trust fund for her horrid daughter. Meanwhile our hero gets caught in bed with Margaret but decides he still needs to marry Margaret's horrid cousin because of her supposed (stolen) fortune. But fate steps in, in the form of the hero's father, who (I kid you not) rapes the horrid cousin before the hero can get her to the altar. But the horrid cousin doesn't really mind the rape cause she has always wanted to be a Countess.

Later when Margaret finds out that she is not poor, but an heiress, she is reluctant to make up with the hero after his betrayal, but a month in a big mansion with no one to talk to takes care of that. She searches him out and asks him to marry her and help her spend her money. Oh, my aching head! This book so calls for the bat shit picture. Even skimming most of it was painful beyond words.

Historical Romance 2007: 0 out of 5 popped cherries.

Erica Orloff 'Blood Son'

I've always wondered if Silhouette and Harlequin books are required to be badly written or if I was just too snobby about it. Well, score one for the badly written camp. This book is from the Silhouette Nocturne series. The characters start out being just flat then progress to being TSTL. I'd like to use the picture of George Bush and Flat Stanley again but I'm afraid of offending my readership. However bat guano is pretty central to the story so.....

I'm not going to explain TSTL just so I can see what Stewart comes up with. Don't disappoint me!

Paranormal Vampire Romance 2007: 0 out of 5 stars

Robin T. Popp 'Immortals: The Darkening'

I've definitely jumped into a series with this one. And I'm about to jump right back out. Lexi is a werewolf who gets involved in a Coven's attempt to call the Immortals (protectors of light magic beings on earth) who haven't been called in seven hundred years.

I think my favorite part of the book was the hero's name, Darius. I will give the author credit for plot and good pacing. The characters on the other hand are so flat I could mail them around the country like Flat Stanley. The closest we get to angst or internal anything is that Darius's mother put a spell on him as he got called to earth so that he wouldn't have too much fun there, and if he completes a sexual act he loses all his memory. Yup, this actually becomes the 'big misunderstanding' keeping them apart for at least 2/3rds of the book. Jaysus! Eye rolling and snorting happening over here cause for some reason I keep feeling like I can't pan a book without finishing it. I'm going to have to rethink that philosophy soon or my poor husband's gonna find me one morning with pencils sticking out of my eye sockets.

Paranormal Future Romance 2007: 0 of 5 stars.

PS. Photo taken in Appleton, WI 2004. :)

Danielle Steel 'Coming Out'

I just broke one of my long time, iron clad rules about never buying or reading Danielle Steel. I read a book of her's probably twenty years ago and I don't even remember what turned me off but I swore I would never read another. Well, it was so short and had such a cute cover, I gave in.

Was It Bad! Oh, my aching head. The monotonous description of the perfect lawyer mother of four who only takes cases about exploited workers and still makes sure she's home by 5 every day. Gag me with a spoon. Olympia is only outdone in her incredible perfectness by her holocaust survivor mother in law. Olympia has this unfortunate blue blood background so her daughters get asked to 'come out' at the most exclusive such event in New York. At the coming out ball her son tells her that he's gay. And I quote, "In a different way than his sisters, he had come out, too." The only time Olympia falters in her incessant wonderfulness is when she discovers one of her twin daughters has a tattoo. I so can not care about these people.

Contemporary book 2007: 0 out of 5.

Johanna Lindsey 'Captive of My Desires'

When Gabrielle's mother dies she heads to the Caribbean to find her father. Her ship gets captured by pirates but luckily her father ends up being one of them and quickly ransoms her free. After three years of living with him he sends her back to England to get married. Drew ruins her chances by proclaiming that she is a pirate's daughter at a ball one evening, she steals his ship to get back home and the rest is history.

This book stunk. The hero is a shallow jerk who changes how he feels about her but doesn't really change being a jerk. She isn't funny, strong, clever, or even that sweet. She sails off to save her father but has no plan. The secondary characters feel like they are being developed for some reason but it never materializes, and it's skimpy on sex. Yikes. Even the swearing parrot wasn't funny. I love swearing parrots. I'm a sucker for swearing parrots!

I finished this book because Johanna Lindsey was the first romance novelist I ever read. Not a great effort from her this time.

2007 Historical Romance: 0 out of 5

Brenda Joyce 'Dark Seduction'

HOLD THE PRESSES! Check out this awesome 'movie trailer' of this book! Wait for it to load, it's worth it.

Okay, first, this author is a very successful writer and I am not. That having been said, there's a place for porn and as a long time romance reader, I'd like to defend the genre by saying, romance novels are not the place. I can't add much to this quote, "This was how she wanted to die...while riding his huge hardness into eternity" I use the term porn instead of erotica to emphasize the incredible silliness of this novel. I will admit I usually dislike a modern heroine and a historical hero; the resulting clashing slang is terribly distracting; but when you find yourself snorting out-loud at a book, things aren't going well.

Claire is a modern day rare bookseller. Her shop gets broken into by a demoness named Sibylla who is looking for a page out of an ancient manuscript. Next Malcolm stops by and gets into a little sword fight with another Highland Master in her kitchen. Malcolm decides Claire is in some danger and takes her back to 1400's Scotland. This could all be promising but the execution is lacking. Beyond the over the top super-sexed nature of the 'Masters,' Claire (and the plot) keep taking these little jaunts in different directions that seem to serve no purpose and are very jolting and distracting. The interaction of our hero and heroine are pretty much limited to sex, sexual longing and sex. Terrible, terrible book.

So why did I finish the book. Did I mentioned porn has it's place?

2007 Paranormal Historical: 0 out of 5